


The Love Of The Doctor

by PrePsychPineappleLover



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-08 04:30:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20311072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrePsychPineappleLover/pseuds/PrePsychPineappleLover
Summary: Clara wakes up at home and wonders what had happened. The woman that somehow followed her to Trenzalore still haunts her thoughts. But who is she? How could she know the Doctor's real name? Will Clara be able to convince the Doctor to tell her story?





	The Love Of The Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> This is set directly after the events of "The Name of The Doctor".

** The Love of The Doctor **

_Continuing the events of “The Name of The Doctor”:_

It’s still a mystery to Clara Oswald how she survived her jump into the Doctor’s distorted, jangled timeline. She supposed he saved her… again, but she can’t be sure.

All she knew is that she opened her eyes and it was morning and she was lying in her bed, sleeping like everything had just been a dream.

_Everything?_

Clara tried to pinpoint the moment when the strange, impossible memories in her head started happening.

The last thing that seemed to make sense to her was the letter she received from Madame Vastra. She summoned a conference call to form an alliance against the Great Intelligence, because it was after the Doctor.

_Yes,_ she thought, _that must be it. _

So, obviously, she passed out and woke up, sitting on this table with the Lizard Woman, Jenny and the Potatohead. That must have been where her dream began.

But if she passed out on the floor then how did she end up in bed? And was the threat a figment of her imagination, too? If she didn’t really follow the Great Intelligence into the time stream, where was it now? Is the Doctor still in danger? Was he ever? Is there really a planet out there that looks like a giant battlefield on which the Doctor eventually will find his last place of rest?

His TARDIS as his tomb and his real name as the key, so that no one that he doesn’t trust completely – _ergo,_ _no one but him_ – could ever enter it...

That thought made Clara pause.

Because they _did_ enter it… assuming that all of this in fact really happened.

Someone knew his name. Someone other than the Doctor himself. Not Clara, for sure, although there was a strange nagging in the furthest corners of her mind, telling her that she did know it once.

There was someone else.

Not a moment later, a name appeared in Clara’s mind.

_“River.”_

It was the Doctor’s voice who spoke in her head. And she flashed back and saw him running his finger over that exact name engraved in an ancient, cold tombstone. His face twisted in sorrow and the name whispered with so much pain and yearning that it shook Clara to the core. Even now, as she was sitting at the edge of her bed, still wondering what was real.

_River_… the woman with the space-hair. Those golden curls, seemingly going on forever yet stopping at her shoulders and surrounding her head like an untamable mess. The woman with sass and cocky resoluteness in her striking blue eyes.

She was at Madame Vastra’s table, too. And she was with them later, though Clara seemed to be the only one who could still see her.

_She knew his name._

“Ahh, there you are. Awake from the dead.”

A voice suddenly interrupted Clara’s thoughts and she turned her head towards the door. The Doctor came in with a huge grin on his face and a tray with tea balancing in his jittery, nervous hands. The tea pot wobbled dangerously as the Doctor made his way over to her way too quickly and with too much flourish. Only when he set the tray down beside her, Clara realized that she had been holding her breath.

“So, how are we?” The Doctor asked and clapped his now-free hands together.

“Dead?” Clara only managed to repeat and the Doctor furrowed his brows. “You said I awoke from the dead.” she added. “Is that true? Did I die?”

“Well, at one point I had to check twice, because you didn’t so much as stir on the ride back. And it was a rough… bumpy ride.” The Doctor lost focus for a second and seemed to stare through Clara’s bedroom wall to where she suspected the TARDIS was parked outside. “The old girl is still mad at me for making her land on that forbidden planet.”

Clara frowned in confusion, trying to keep up. “Where did we land again?” she asked.

The Doctor’s features creased in puzzlement, then something dark settled over his eyes only to be wiped away with another one of his big smiles in the next second. “Oh, never mind. It’s not important anymore. You’re safe now, aren’t you? Mission accomplished. I’ll see you next time, Clara.”

His arms flailed as he swung himself up from her bed, but he didn’t even manage to make one step towards the door before Clara stopped him. “No, wait! It _is_ important if you’re so keen on not telling me.”

The Doctor turned around with a grin, hands folded on his back. “And what makes you so sure of that?”

“Rule number one.” Clara recites without flinching. “The Doctor lies.”

For a second the corners of his mouth turned down, then he smiled even broader. “That’s correct. But what if I’m telling you that it makes sense that you don’t remember anything of what you did.”

“I never said that I—“

“I see it in your eyes.” The Doctor cut her off. “The confusion. The questions. Leave them be, Clara. It’s for the best. You’re not supposed to remember anyway.”

“Well, Doctor…” Clara said with steely firmness, crossing her arms in front of her chest and holding that arrogant gaze easily. “If you say so then I’d say you know me well enough to know that I won’t leave it be. So, go on and tell me, because I certainly won’t stop asking… did we really land on Trenzalore?”

Now the Doctor most definitely frowned and the repressed darkness was back on his face full force. It was moments like this when Clara realized that the Doctor was so much older than he looked. “You just said you can’t remember where we were.” he said.

“Rule number two: Clara lies.” Clara said with the hint of a presumptuous smile on her face.

The Doctor seemed to try very hard not to roll his eyes at her. “That’s actually not rule number two, but alright. Why do you ask if you’re remembering?”

“It’s still very fuzzy.” Clara admitted. “I’m not sure what is real and what’s just a… a figment of my imagination.”

The Doctor fought an inner battle. Clara could clearly see it on his face… and in his movements. He rocked on his feet, his arms swung with the momentum. Either he stayed and talked or he turned around and leave without so much as a goodbye.

Clara really hoped he would stay. “Doctor, please…” she begged with big, pleading eyes that normally worked on humans. She was not so sure if it would work on Time Lords. “Please, I have to know.”

He sighed.

_A good sign_, Clara jubilated inwardly, trying not to show it.

“How much do you know, Clara?” The Doctor said finally and moved to sit back down on the bed; right next to her. “Because Trenzalore is real. It’s there… still waiting for me.” He sounded very sad and tired as he said this. “At which point does it get blurry?”

Clara took a moment to concentrate and decide where to begin. “We were at the entrance of… y-your tomb. Your TARDIS.” She didn’t meet his eyes, because she didn’t want to imagine her best friend dead. “The Great Intelligence forced you to open the door by saying your real name. It held us captive. Me, Madame Vastra, Jenny and Strax. The door opened, but… but you didn’t say anything.”

Clara noticed the Doctor tensing up. He balled his fists, clenched his jaw. She wasn’t even sure if he was breathing… although on second thought she was pretty sure the Doctor once told her that a Time Lord didn’t need to breathe as often as humans do. However, Clara was a very perceptive companion and right now every fiber of the Doctor seemed to scream at her, beg her not to elaborate. Not to ask the question he feared.

She decided to drop the subject for the moment and focus on his further reactions. “Inside the tomb was your time stream. You called it the ‘scar tissue of your time travels’… and the Great Intelligence jumped in and wiped you out of existence. Planets disappeared, whole galaxies that you saved… just vanished from the night sky.” Clara had to pause so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed by her emotions. “And you were dying…” Tears were audible in her voice. “So I followed… and that’s where I’m blank.”

The Doctor smiled bitterly, a very old and wise smile, one that you wouldn’t question. “And that’s a good thing, Clara. You shouldn’t remember or you would certainly turn mad. Schizophrenic, maybe.” The Doctor turned towards her and took her hands. “All you need to know is that you saved me. All versions of me, everywhere in time.” He smiled again. “My impossible girl. I had to save you in return. I brought you back.”

Clara smiled back, fighting to hold her tears.

“And now your tea is getting cold.” The Doctor said abruptly. “So drink it up and rest. I need you alert and ready for our next adventure.”

Again he jumped up from the bed, leaving Clara blinking into empty space. _No, that was too fast,_ she realized. “Doctor?”

He spun around, gesturing wildly. “Who knows, I might be back tomorrow…”

“Doctor?”

“To whisk you off to the safest bank in the universe or, or…”

“Doctor?”

“To travel with the Orient Express in space or—“

“Doctor!” She was yelling now… so he stopped, turning around with a silly smile to mask his fear. Clara wasn’t so merciful this time. She was curious. _What makes him so afraid? What is he hiding? If it’s dangerous for him, I have to know. _“There is one thing that I still don’t understand…” she said deliberately. “I asked you this before, but you changed the subject and acted like it was no big deal. Like you repeatedly did now, by the way, but I won’t let you get away with it this time.”

The Doctor swallowed as if bracing himself for the question to come. The question he already knew she would ask.

Clara rose to stand across from him, looking directly into his eyes. “Doctor…” Clara said firmly. “Who is River Song?”

There it was again.

The pain and that _yearning_ flickering over his green eyes as she mentioned the funny name. But only for a second before he got himself back under control. “River who?” he asked with a clearly forced smile. “I don’t remember knowing anyone with that name.”

“Doctor, don’t.” Clara growled sternly. “You claimed earlier that she was just an ex. I’m not dumb, you know. And I’m not blind, either. I saw the look in your eyes. You know her better than that.” The Doctor remained silent. “And more importantly, she really… _meant_ something to you.” Clara added.

Still no reaction. Only nervous fiddling with his hands and he refused to meet her eyes. Like he was a six-year-old boy who did something naughty and wouldn’t tell. But Clara wasn’t impressed. She had a lot to do with stubborn children and if there’s one thing she mastered then, it was patience. So she began to tell him what she knew… or thought she knew.

“When Madame Vastra summoned that conference call, Professor Song sat next to me. She seemed somehow… jealous of me, I think.” Clara realized, grabbing hold of the details of her dream before it started fading. “Then, when we all met on Trenzalore, she was there, too, but… but I was the only one who could see her…” Clara’s mind reeled at the complexity of it all. “Because… she was already dead. We saw her grave… but you said it couldn’t be here.” Clara’s inquisitive eyes searched the Doctor’s face for an answer. “Why?” she asked.

His jaw was grinding, his next words full of carefully held back composure. “Because she died someplace else a long time ago.”

“How can you know that?”

“I’ve seen it.” came the quick and curt reply.

Clara didn’t understand. But if she kept asking for details that he won’t give easily, she’d never finish her side of the tale.

“You were right.” she continued. “Her grave was just a clue that led us to the gigantic TARDIS. The Whisper Men stopped our hearts, forcing you to say your name.” Clara involuntary put both of her hands over her chest, still feeling that eerie, cold clutch that literally fisted her heart. “But it was Professor Song… _River_, who opened the door. She was the one who spoke to the TARDIS… she knew your real name.” Clara’s own words astonished her so much that she could only whisper. “H-How could she know?”

The Doctor stared down at Clara, his face stony and serious for once. He seemed to wait for her to talk more. Talk, so he didn’t have to. As if he feared his voice would betray him. But Clara waited, too. And she stared back, equally stubborn and unrelenting. So the Doctor closed his eyes. Just briefly, just so he could pull up the mask he hid behind.

When he reopened his eyes, the mask was safely on: the ancient man in the silly, young body.

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story actually, if you must know.” He let himself fall onto the bed again, bouncing slightly as he straightened his bow tie. “Sit, and seriously, drink your tea. It’s a long story.”

Warily, Clara moved to sit down and reach for the tea cup, not once leaving the Doctor out of her sight. She didn’t trust his goofy demeanor.

The Doctor rubbed his hands together. “So, where to start…?” he wondered, but seemed to have decided in the same second. “When River met me for the first time, she was about to kill me. I didn’t judge her; that’s what she was trained to do. And even though I already knew her, she didn’t know me yet. It’s not her fault. She was abducted when she was still a baby and Madame Kovarian turned her into a psychopath.”

“Madame who?” Clara piped up.

“Not important. Because right before I died, I told her my name to prove my complete trust in her. Thus, her parents, Amy and Rory, were able to convince her to bring me back.” The Doctor shook his head in what seemed to be amusement. “That mad woman used up all of her regeneration energy to accomplish it.”

Clara blinked rapidly. “Wait, wait, wait, hold on, Doctor. Are you purposely trying to confuse me? Who are Amy and Rory and how could River have ‘regeneration energy’? Oh… is River a Time Lady?”

The Doctor grinned. “Kind of… but not really.”

Clara glowered at him. She hated when he talked without saying anything.

He knew that look and tried to distract her. “Oi, aren’t you shocked that River had killed me? I was really dead… for a while.” he added sheepishly.

“Oh, you don’t say.” Clara said sarcastically, crossing her arms and waited for him to continue. He sighed, filling his own cup of tea.

“Amy Pond… she traveled with me before you.” The Doctor looked nostalgic. “I brought her husband Rory Williams along a bit later. Well, I shouldn’t have done it on their wedding night, I guess… or actually, forget that. It was a good thing otherwise there would be no River Song.”

Clara’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Your former travel companions were River’s parents?”

“That’s what I said, pay attention, Clara.” The Doctor admonished her. “River is a child of the TARDIS. Her DNA is half human, half Time Lord thanks to her being conceived while we were flying through the time vortex and that gave her certain abilities, but…” he grinned then. “She wasn’t a Lady until I married her to correct a fix point in time.”

Now Clara’s eyes all but bulged out of her skull. The Doctor quickly had to reach out to hold her tea cup straight before the hot liquid would spill out. “You actually _married_ the woman who tried to kill you?” she repeated slowly.

“Well, she did save me in the end.” The Doctor explained. “A lot has happened in between those two events. River is much older than she looks and since she got her hands on that vortex manipulator, she’s also able to travel through time…” He paused. “Which makes it very difficult to tell her story… and to meet her in the right order…” he drifted off again.

Clara cocked her head and raised her brows to get the Doctor’s attention, but he seemed to be far away with his thoughts. Once again she could watch as his mystic, green eyes filled with pain. It made her frown. “Doctor?” she asked carefully and he blinked, returning back to her with a smile. “So… that means you married that woman to save time and space or something… not out of love?”

She knew that question seemed harsh and direct, but the Doctor knew her. He would understand what she meant, right?

Still, he avoided answering her directly. Instead he smiled and his eyes got that faraway look again as he put down his tea cup and folded his hands in his lap. “River was always special. She seemed so… indestructible. Exciting, brave… seductive. Knew her way around guns like no other… which I shouldn’t like, by the way.” He chuckled dryly. “You would have loved her.”

Clara’s eyes sparkled in fascination. Forgotten was the pain she saw. That woman sounded like a real troublemaker and on top of that she seemed to be clever enough to put the Doctor in his place. Clara grinned. She had a feeling she and River would’ve gotten along great. If she only had the chance to get to know her better before she dived into the time stream.

Suddenly, an impulsive idea began to form in Clara’s mind. “Hey, what if we would meet her again?” she exclaimed.

“What?” The Doctor looked at her flabbergasted, which was something that rarely happened.

“Yes, let’s go and visit her. She seems great and I want to know her.” Clara’s enthusiasm seemed to frighten the Doctor, because he began moving away from her.

“No, Clara. You don’t understand.” he uttered, horrified. “We can’t—“

She cut him off in a whining voice. “Why can’t we? I know you said she died a long time ago, but not everywhere in time. Even you switched between past and present when you talked about her.”

“_No_.” The Doctor repeated fiercely. He stood up and quickly strode out of the bedroom, but Clara followed him.

“You explained it to me yourself.” she said stubbornly. “Time is not linear. Somewhere out there she’s still alive.”

“Clara, please…” The Doctor stressed. He had almost reached the entrance door, certainly on his way to the TARDIS, but Clara didn’t want him to get away.

“But Doctor, we could—“

_“_ _I CAN_ _’T!”_

Time literally jumped in that moment.

In one second Clara was at the Doctor’s heels, pleading with him and in the next she stood at the far end of the living room as far away from him as possible.

His scream had reverberated from the walls and it shocked her so much that she must have jumped back.

He was staring at her with untamed, wild anger and hurt. Oh, so much _hurt_; it seemed like he was breaking apart right in front of her eyes.

Clara instantly realized what she had done. She felt disgusted with herself. How could she be so insensitive? She should have noticed his true feelings by the way he talked about her. How could she just automatically assume that he didn’t marry out of love? Just because he isn’t really human?

The Doctor’s voice trembled with barely held back rage; his eyes seemed to burn her alive. “I… can’t… go back. I can’t… face her again after I’ve seen her die a second time.”

“A second time?” Clara whispered meekly, too scared to speak up louder. “What do you mean—“

“It means, Clara, that you were not the only one who had seen her on Trenzalore!” The Doctor yelled abruptly and Clara flinched back further, pressing her lips together to hold back tears.

Only now in the deafening silence that followed his outburst, the Doctor seemed to notice that Clara stood there trembling like a dead leaf on a tree. Anger melted from him like hot wax, leaving behind a tired, burned out candle. He ran a hand through his thick, dark hair, moving it away from his face and slumped down on Clara’s couch, obviously ready to tell her everything. All the emotions that he kept running from finally seemed to catch up with him.

“I told you how River first met me, but that wasn’t my first meeting with her.” The Doctor explained weakly. “Our time streams run contrariwise.” He stared straight ahead with empty, old eyes, while Clara slowly inched closer to the couch to sit beside him.

“It was so long ago… so long, I didn’t even have this face yet.” He briefly pointed at himself. “It was my previous face who met her and I hadn’t the faintest idea who she was.” His voice trembled. “But s-she knew. Oh, my dear River, she knew everything about us.” The Doctor hid his face with his hands, sobbing covertly. Eventually, he wiped his eyes clean and looked at Clara. “It was her last day to live.”

“What?” Clara breathed appalled. The things she pressured him to do earlier just became so much worse.

“River saved 4022 people in that library where I met her. She saved me… so that I could have this life with her that she already lived… I watched her die… on my first day with her.” This time he didn’t hide his tears. It was pointless; she’d already seen his pain.

The tears rolled freely down his young-looking face that had already lost so incredibly much. Clara held a hand in front of her mouth and cried with him. “I’m sorry.” she sobbed quietly and shell-shocked. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”

Her sentence remained fragmented, because the Doctor kept on talking as if he hadn’t heard her. His wounds were ripped open and it seemed like they weren’t able to stop bleeding.

“I couldn’t even grieve properly.” he said. “I just met her. But I saw her again… younger versions of her, and she was so… alive.” The Doctor’s eyes sparkled briefly. “It almost made me forget… almost. But every time our paths crossed I realized that it hurt so much more every time to let her go. There was this constant question in the back of my mind… ‘How long? How much time do we have left?’”

His entire form had started shaking and Clara instinctively reached out to lay her hand upon his. She squeezed his hand and he turned his head to look into her eyes. The raw sorrow and pure agony in them was almost too much for Clara to handle. But she knew she owed it to him. She had to be strong for him so he could finish his story.

“On Trenzalore I saw her echo.” The Doctor continued. “It was the River Song who already died in the library. Back then I uploaded her consciousness into a data core, because… because even though I barely knew her, I couldn’t let her go. She should have faded over time, but… apparently, she couldn’t let go, either.” He sniffed. “River said it’s because I’ve never said goodbye to her and I said… I didn’t know how, because it simply is too… painful.”

A new wave of tears overcame the Doctor and he entangled himself from Clara’s grip, swiftly stood up and ran out the door. For a second Clara felt too broken to move a muscle, but then she ran after him.

He sought solace in his TARDIS of course and suddenly Clara understood that his spaceship meant so much more to him than she ever could imagine. Not only was ‘his old girl’ his trusty companion who brought him to wherever and whenever he was needed, but it also must remind him of River.

The child of the TARDIS.

Clara found him leaning against the console, as if he was absorbing strength from the soothing, humming sounds the spacecraft made. His finger ran softly over one of the monitor screens where a pompous, vast room of the TARDIS, she didn’t remember seeing before, was on display. _River’s room?_

The Doctor didn’t really acknowledge her presence and his face was still wet from his tears, but he started talking again.

“Today I saw her…” he said without taking his eyes off of the monitor. “She tried to talk me out of entering my own time stream to save you. And even though it shouldn’t have been possible, because she was only an echo and not really there, I was able to ki… to touch her.” he mumbled quietly. “Because she will always be there to me… I will always see her and I will always listen to her… and… and I was right. It almost… i-it ripped me apart to see her. But River wanted me to say goodbye and after I did what she asked me to do, she just… vanished… right before my eyes. Again, she died and I couldn’t save her.”

Clara noticed how the Doctor clutched his chest. Almost as if the double-beating of his hearts caused him unbearable pain. The tears flowed slower now, but steady. He didn’t even seem to notice it anymore.

Because she couldn’t look at him anymore without crying herself, Clara quickly stepped over and opened her arms. The Doctor hugged her, crushed her almost, as he buried his head on her shoulder and sobs shook his body.

“Today was a warning.” he managed to say through tears. “Our time is running out. My last day with her is close now, too.”

“How can you know?” Clara asked tearfully.

“Oh, I feel it.” said the Doctor. “When I met her, River said to me that one day I will trust her completely… trust her with my name.” There was a wet chuckle. “What a coincidence that I entrusted her with my secret on the day that she met me.”

Clara smiled and held him tighter. “How timey-wimey of you.”

The Doctor laughed through his tears. “She told me that our last adventure will be on a planet called Darillium… beautiful place for a date; her younger self has begged me for ages to go there, because she didn’t know yet where that would lead her. And she said I had been crying…”

“So…” Clara had to interrupt and loosen her embrace so she could look at him. “That’s still to come for you? You haven’t taken her there yet? She’s alive?” she questioned rapidly and full of hope.

“Yes, like you said… somewhere out there she is.” said the Doctor. “But I’ve never felt closer to her than today… it never hurt so much. That’s why I know the end must be close now.” The Doctor sighed deeply and took Clara’s face between his hands. “Oh, Clara, I dread this final day. What if I can’t let her go? Then my past-self can never meet her and everything was in vain.”

“You will be strong enough, Doctor.” Clara said and took his hands in hers. “Maybe not today… and I’m so, so sorry that I pushed you into meeting her, I-I didn’t know… I didn’t realize how much she means to you.” Clara rushed to apologize.

“It’s okay.” he assured her. “You couldn’t have known.”

“Still. I’m sorry.” Clara repeated.

“At least now you understand.” said the Doctor and Clara nodded vigorously. “I can’t look into her eyes without showing her my pain. I can’t keep the truth from her anymore; she’ll notice. And I don’t want her to know what’s coming until Darillium. After all… who would want to know when it’s their time to die?”

The Doctor shook his head resolutely, his tears beginning to dry. “The next and last time I see her will be on Darillium... if I want to or not. That’s when I allow myself to cry, not one moment before that. I want our last meeting to be perfect for her. I want her to be happy.”

Clara looked at the Doctor in awe. Finally his heart-wrenching anger had simmered down and the all-consuming pain gave way for something else to shine brightly in his eyes.

“Doctor…” she said. “You really do love her very much, don’t you?”

The Doctor smiled. “Yes.” he confessed for the first time. “Yes, I love her. More than every living thing in the universe.”

Clara smiled back in that confident way of hers. “Then you’ll be strong enough, Doctor.”

His smile widened and he looked away from Clara and up to the time rotor in the center of the TARDIS console. “And one day… I shall find a way to save River Song.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to cosette141 for betaing!


End file.
